Why I’m Scared To Have Another Baby

We are less than 4 weeks away from our due date with baby boy #2 and I’m starting to feel all of the feels. It took me awhile to come to terms with my roll as “mom” and now I have to transition to “mom of two!” It sometimes feels like this heavy weight is looming over my head and I’m just waiting for the bubble to burst.

I think the biggest issue for me is how in the world could I love another human as much as I love Charlie. I told my mom it sounds like something that the oldest child of 3 siblings would say (ha!) but it’s true. Charlie is my life. My whole entire life packed into this 25 lb little human.

A little story: when I was pregnant with Charlie I got an astrology/birth reading, aura thing done (and I am not really into that stuff). Everything that was said was very accurate about myself in regards to personality, my childhood, events, etc. When she addressed my pregnancy, she told me I was going to have a boy (which we didn’t know what we were having, we were surprised with Charlie) and she told me something else that has stuck with me since that day. She told me that although every mother loves their child with their entire being, she saw something special with my aura. That my love for the baby in my belly was going to be bigger than the average mother’s love.

It was something that at the time I thought “of course! I’ll be a mom and this will be my child. Duh!” It wasn’t until I struggled with postpartum depression that I remembered what she said – that you are going to to love this human more than most can handle (what she said helped me get through some of my darker days) and I honestly feel that way. I’m sure all of you mamas do but it is something inside of me that feels debilitating. My every movement, thought, decision and choice revolves around Charlie. It’s something that I can’t help. He is my everything. My life has taken a back seat because my genuine happiness sits in his hands. It’s amazing and also terrifying. 

Throughout this pregnancy I have had a reoccurring dream that I’m in the hospital delivering this baby and once he is here I start crying out for Charlie. Like I just miss him so much and want him to be the one that I’m holding. Ugh, I’m scared for that (and also, am I going crazy?? probably). This pregnancy has been a little different in that I haven’t thought about this sweet boy as much. With Charlie I was CONSTANTLY checking apps, reading books, asking questions – and with this one I’m just focused on Charlie. Clearly my anxiety is expressing itself through my dreams. Mama’s of two kiddos, is this normal? How did you feel before baby #2’s arrival?

So, how will Charlie adjust to half of my attention? Will he act out? Will he feel sad? I don’t want him to be sad. We have such a groove going and I don’t want things to change. On the other end, my siblings are my best friends and I want Charlie to have that too. I know in the end it will be the greatest gift that we could ever give him. I know from experience. 

If motherhood has taught me anything it is that you think you are comfortable with one phase and then everything shifts. I guess that is the only way I feel confident in myself with baby #2. A shift is coming, I know that life will slow down, I know that our house is going to be a mess and I know I’m going to be exhausted. I feel more prepared this time around because I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel (read: sleep will come back, my body will come back, I can have wine).

After I had Charlie I think I went through this quarter life crisis where I assumed that everyone wanted me to be who I was at 24 and not a 30 year old mama covered in spit up with leaky boobs. This time around I feel so grateful to have such supportive followers who love my family as much (if not more! probably more 🙂 ) than me. I feel strong in my role and it makes me excited to welcome and nurture another sweet little angel boy into our family. What will he look like? I wonder if he will look like Charlie or someone completely different? Dave and I keep saying that this kiddo has some pretty big shoes to fill because Charlie has exceeded every expectation of parenthood. 

I guess feeling scared is normal. No one likes change (or do they? that would be a weird feeling) but you just have to embrace it. When life gets hectic and messy, this spot feels like my safe zone. So thank you for letting that be the case! As I continue to transition into this life as a wife, mama, business woman and part-time laundress, maid, dishwasher and cook, I can’t tell you how much it means to me to know that there is a support system right here. 

XOXO

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